CAPTAIN MALCOLM REYNOLDS: User's Guide and Manual
by lalaithien
Summary: The evil technical advisor returns! In honor of Serenity the company presents yet another entirely twisted User's Guide, this time to everyone's favourite Manly and Impulsive Browncoat, because he is So...Very...Pretty. PG for mild innuendo.


The User's Guide and Manual for

CAPTAIN MALCOM "MAL" REYNOLDS

Browncoats 'R Us, Ltd.

Megan J. Stoner, Chief Technical Advisor

_**CONGRATULATIONS**!_

You are now the proud owner of a CAPTAIN MALCOLM REYNOLDS (henceforth MAL) unit! In order to obtain top performance from your Browncoat Rebel, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.

Your MAL should arrive fully assembled and in upright condition. This manual is for the following edition of the CAPTAIN MALCOLM REYNOLDS unit:

Mark I MAL (copyright Whedon/Fillion, 2002-present)

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: _MALCOLM REYNOLDS_

Type: _Human (male)_

Manufacturers:_ Unknown but definitely extant_

Date of Manufacture: _Indeterminate_

Height: _1.85 metres_

Weight: _165 lbs_

Length: _Data not available but guaranteed satisfactory_

Power Output: _Dual Voltage with Automatic Pumping Action and Instant Recharge_

Colour: Sandy hair with blue eyes

**ACCESSORIES**

Your MAL unit will be shipped fully clad to you in a protective double-layer crate, to be collected at your nearest post office. (CAUTION: It is recommended that you utilize a certain measure of stealth when you collect your MAL unit, as the company cannot be held liable for any Alliance seizure of suspect goods in the post.) Although originally shipped in his factory-issued duster coat, red shirt, and trousers, he comes with a wide range of accessories, including tight pants, .38 revolver, Pretty Floral Bonnet, and additional outfits for hours of dress-up fun. (Please refer to the **Troubleshooting** section of this manual for more information regarding this operating procedure.)

Your MAL unit will arrive to you in his factory condition of slightly battle-worn. The company makes every effort to ensure the safe and secure delivery of your MAL. However, due to certain Alliance trade difficulties with Objects in Space, some shipments may arrive slightly scuffed. This will not affect your MAL's performance. It is recommended that you immediately remove his clothing and put him into a hot soapy bubble bath. This will ensure proper lubrication of your MAL unit and will keep his moving parts in pristine condition and fully functional. It is also just fun. As your MAL is usually on his firefly-class transport ship and therefore not often in the vicinity of a bathtub you may have to climb in with him to ensure that all parts of him are adequately lathered, particularly his arms. This procedure should be repeated as necessary to ensure that his moving parts are kept well-lubricated for maximum performance of your MAL unit.

CAUTION Married/committed MAL owners **must** ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/engine maintenance/witch-burning/playing with plastic dinosaurs/etc. before carrying out this procedure. The company is not held responsible for divorce costs, alimony payments, or hospital fees due to careless execution of this procedure in the company of jealous housemates.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your MAL has been designed to be user friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or _Putonghua (1)_. You may also choose to teach your MAL commands in other languages. You will find your MAL is skilled with tongues and performance should prove satisfactory.

Apart from the aesthetic value of your MAL as a fine example of rugged yet _shuai (2)_ Western masculinity, he can be utilised in several capacities about the house and garden:

Chauffeur:

Your MAL is adept at handling multiple types of transport, including cargo-transport ships, horses, and jet-powered spacewalking suits. However, caution should be utilized when having your MAL operate the firefly-class cargo-transport in the presence of a WASH unit, as this may cause contention and potential verbal haranguing between the units and may not be Safe.

Bodyguard:

Your MAL is skilled in combat and defence and will make an admirable protector. He is particularly experienced with frontal attacks. Paired with a ZOE unit he is unstoppable. However, caution must be utilised when using your MAL in this capacity as it can be difficult to switch him off his automatic PERPETUAL FIERCE COMBAT mode. Should this difficulty arise we suggest seducing him with the promise of fine rice wine and a Shindig.

Story-teller:

Your MAL has been pre-programmed with many stories and songs in his memory databanks. This makes him ideal entertainment for dinners or before bedtime. It is recommended that you dictate to him precisely what sort of story you wish to hear, however, as your MAL unit's memory can be a bit sketchy on details and he may not get The Message at your first request. Caution _must_ be utilised at all times in the WAR STORIES mode as prolonged use of your MAL in this mode may result in _fang-zong feng-kuang de__i (3) _harm to your MAL unit.

Physical Activities Director:

Your MAL unit, as a warrior, fearless Browncoat rebel, and outlaw on the run, is accustomed to bouts of intense physical activity. Put this seemingly boundless energy to good use and keep your MAL from idleness by providing him with all sorts of physical activities. The occasional Train Job is a good idea, as well as other more domestic activities. These activities can range anywhere from rescuing psychologically-damaged children to intense bedspring testing, and will keep your MAL in good spirits and properly fit and toned.

**PRECAUTIONS**

Do not expose your MAL to fire, electric fields, planets named Ariel, Shang zo torture units, or excessive heat. Use of your MAL in the presence of a SAFFRON unit is also not recommended by the company as damage to both units may result.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

Despite the company's best efforts, you will find that your MAL has a limited compatibility with most other units. The comprehensive list of these incompatibilities is lengthy and available only upon request; refer to the below **SELECTED COMPATIBILITY ISSUES **section for further information.

**INARA CERRA: **Your MAL is usually very compatible with the INARA CERRA unit. However, due to some programming quirks there can be certain rough spots in their interactivity modules. Do try to keep your MAL from making comments on anything relating to Ambassadors or tea ceremonies, as this may provoke an unfavourable response from your INARA. In most other respects your MAL and INARA units will co-operate quite well together, although it is recommended that you do not allow them to engage in swordplay as damages to the MAL unit are likely.

**SIMON TAM: **Your MAL's _Hyper-Masculine Protectiveness_ programming cycle makes interaction with the SIMON TAM unit difficult. It is possible for these two models to co-operate; however, this sort of interactivity will take time to develop. With prolonged contact with a SIMON unit, your MAL will undergo a series of behavioral transformations. His first response will likely be _Aggression._ It is recommended that you avoid bringing the MAL and SIMON units into contact during this behavioural mode as damage to the SIMON unit is quite likely and the company cannot be held liable for dislocated jaws, etc. If left in peace for a little while, your MAL will come to realize that interacting with a SIMON unit is not so bad. This is the _Toleration/Begrudging Affection_phase. Although it is possible that your MAL unit may develop more advanced levels of interaction with the SIMON unit, this is not usual.

**RIVER TAM: ** Upon first exposure to a RIVER TAM unit your MAL's reaction may be one of Morbid and Creepifying uneasiness. However, your MAL's_Masculine Protector _programming makes interaction with the RIVER unit easier over time, particularly if daring rescues are called for. However, certain difficulties in communication may arise between your MAL and the RIVER, especially if Christmas or large weapons are involved. The company recommends that you keep the RIVER unit occupied with tearing pages out of books or dancing as these activities do not trigger a negative response in the MAL unit.

**JAYNE COBB: **Your MAL unit will generally co-operate well with JAYNE units, particularly if the JAYNE is allowed the company of a VERA. However, due to certain incompatibility issues in their long-term programming, it is recommended that contact between the units be limited as potential air-lock hazards may result from extended exposure.

**ATHERTON WING: **The company does not recommend bringing your MAL into contact with an ATHERTON WING unit as the long-term programming of these two models is mutually incompatible. By all means avoid bringing a MAL into contact with an ATHERTON unit in the presence of an INARA as damage to both the MAL and the ATHERTON is very likely. Prolonged contact with the ATHERTON unit may result in the sudden perforation of both units.

**SAFFRON: **Your MAL will initially respond favorably to the SAFFRON unit. However, prolonged contact, particularly any contact of the variety involving ploughs, must be avoided at all costs to prevent damages to your MAL, including sudden loss of consciousness and/or trousers.

**CLEANING**

The following grooming regimen should be followed on a daily basis. It will provide hours of fun for the entire family, or at the very least _jing-tsai (4)_ entertainment for the discerning female:

Comb/style hair.

Clean fingernails.

Shower whole MAL unit.

Change shirt/trousers/coat/braces. (o)

Upon completion of the cleaning procedure, dry your MAL by rubbing him briskly with a large towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing line, unless you want your neighbours to gossip.

(o) (It has been brought to our attention that the MAL is easier to keep clean without these trappings. While this is true, you may wish to keep him indoors in this condition unless you want to have the neighbours talk.)

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q: **Do you offer a trial period?

**A: **Our company policies have discontinued all trial periods. Unfortunately, due to recent developments and certain unfortunate accidents with Alliance customs procedures, we are unable to accept returned MAL units.

**Q: **My MAL has taken to stripping down and sunbathing on a rock in my backyard. The neighbours won't quit gawking. What is wrong with him?

**A: **Your MAL may have been Bushwhacked. The most common cause of this programming phenomenon is exposure to a SAFFRON unit, which the company strongly discourages. Unfortunately, your MAL's _Masculine Protector_ programming is naturally drawn to the SAFFRON unit, as his programming interprets any woman as naturally having a Heart of Gold. This is a quirk inherent in your MAL unit. Learn to live with it. Try to regard it as one of those delightful little eccentricities that make him so charming. The company is working on a behavioural patch that may discourage this natural tendency in your MAL; it is still in the beta period and is not expected to release until next year. If you wish your MAL to remain clothed the company strongly suggests keeping him away from SAFFRON units. On the other hand, your MAL unit's tendency to discard his clothing is considered by some customers as an additional bonus.

**Q: **I accidentally exposed my MAL unit to a SAFFRON, with devastating consequences. Now I cannot get rid of the SAFFRON unit. What am I to do?

**A: **Exposure to the SAFFRON unit is dangerous for your MAL and the company does not recommend it. However, should such unfortunate exposure occur, there are steps you can take. The company recommends immediate introduction of an INARA unit, as she will promptly see that the SAFFRON is delivered to the Trash.

**Q: **Why doesn't the MAL unit come with a Fencing programme?

**A: **Unlike most of the company's models, the MAL unit is not equipped with a functional Fencing programme. He does know which end of a sword to hold but giving him one is not recommended. Should you desire to watch your MAL in combat the company recommends you equip him with a pistol or shotgun as his proficiency with these weapons is much better and the risk of damage to your MAL is significantly less.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Problem: **Your MAL has abandoned his beloved duster coat and tight pants in favor of a priestly frock.

Solution: Please check your MAL's identification label. It is possible that you have been accidentally issued with a CALEB unit from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Unfortunately the company does not issue refunds or exchanges on any basis. On the bright side, _you have accidentally been issued with a CALEB unit. QUIT COMPLAINING!_ If this truly is unacceptable to you, you may put him up for auction on ebay and turn a tidy profit. 

**Problem: **Your MAL refuses to be dressed in the Pretty Floral Bonnet and dress in the Accessories pack.

**Solution: **Your MAL may feel that, as a war-minded symbol of Western rugged masculinity, he will look like a Powerful Ugly Creature in such attire. However, mention of the air flow properties of soft cotton dresses is usually enough to convince him otherwise. If he remains obdurate, exposure to a ZOE unit is usually enough to change his mind.

**Problem: **Your MAL's Accessories pack includes a short redhead bent on cooking fresh _bao _and talking about ploughs.

**Solution: **You have been accidentally issued with a MRS REYNOLDS/SAFFRON unit. The company apologizes for this; Our Mrs Reynolds domestic-enhancement programme was discontinued some time ago due to programming incompatibilities between the SAFFRON and MAL units, but occasionally packaging oversights do occur. Please return the MRS REYNOLDS/SAFFRON unit to the Customer Care Threat Protection Agency in Jaynestown for appropriate disposal.

**Problem: **Your MAL has collapsed and does not respond to prompting or commands.

**Solution: **Your MAL may be Out of Gas. The company recommends that you dose him with fine rice wine and bed-rest. Your MAL will soon be back to a normal state of Serenity.

**FINAL NOTE**

Due to certain quirks in the MAL unit's programming, he is not available with a guarantee against damages and/or sudden perforation. However, if all procedures in this manual are followed meticulously your MAL unit should provide you with many years of satisfaction.

Firefly Chinese:

(1) Mandarin Chinese

(2) handsome, dashing

(3) something that encourages insanity

(4) brilliant


End file.
